I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike.

Dear Beyonce,

There has been a ridiculous amount of engagement rings appearing on the fingers of my peers, friend's friends, Facebook friends, etc. lately. I blame you. Seriously, my generation was totally cool with taking things slow, until your little one-chord wonder "Single Ladies" topped the charts. Suddenly, guys all think that if they like a girl (they don't even have to love her, just LIKE her) then they SHOULD put a ring on it (and that they should refer to their girlfriend as "it", which is extremely derogatory and a step in the totally wrong direction for the gender equality movement). I have a good amount of respect for you as a person and as a performer, but you really need to think about the message behind your lyrics (no matter how sick the beat is). In conclusion, next time you run into your ex at a club after you just broke up, and he sees you all up on another brother, just don't pay him any attention!

Love,
Kenz

P.S. Gentlemen, in all seriousness, don't make a huge life decision based on what you heard in a song with one chord, no matter how many non-consecutive weeks that song spent as the number-one single. You've got time, rings are expensive, and the right girl will wait (says the single lady).

P.P.S. Everyone, in all seriousness...please don't take this post too seriously! I'm not trying to hate on engaged people, or criticize anyone's choices. If you're happily engaged or married, good for you! I wish you all the best.

Babe, I know that it's your soul, but could you bottle it up?

Dear Kensie Clothing Line,

I was SUPER excited when somebody told me that there was a clothing line named after me. However, upon further inspection of your website, I have a few pointers for you, Kenzie to Kenzie...er, Kensie...

a) Learn how to spell Kenzie. I have NEVER met a girl named Kensie! Then again, I've also never met a girl named Kenzy, Kensee, or Kinsey, but those are all common misspellings of my name.

b) Learn how to hire models that don't look like awkward zombies. Seriously, do you really think you're going to sell clothes worn by models in poses like this:
http://www.kensie.com/Zebra-Sweater/PFMUG5567,default,pd.html?dwvar_PFMUG5567_color=002&start=6&cgid=kensie

and this:
http://www.kensie.com/Sheer-T-Shirt-Tank-Top/PFMU3451,default,pd.html?dwvar_PFMU3451_color=062&start=6&cgid=kensie-tops

oh, and this one just SCREAMS "I would like to awkwardly nibble on your brains, if that's cool with you":
http://www.kensie.com/Double-Button-Animal-Brocade-Dress/PFMU9S76,default,pd.html?dwvar_PFMU9S76_color=842&start=9&cgid=kensie-dresses

c) Learn how to competitively price your clothing for your target audience. I don't know very many twenty-something-year-old women who would shell out $78 for a freaking tank top.

Love,
Kenz

My blues are gone forever.

Dear Professor,

How exactly am I supposed to write a 1-2 page reflection on an article that isn't even 2 pages long? This does not compute. You've been driving me crazy in general lately, but this assignment is like the crazy icing on the crazy cake.

Come to think of it, that hypothetical cake might not taste too bad...

Regardless, please get your shit together (I said please!).

Love,
Kenz

Our hell ends every weekend.

Dear Doors,

I'm getting a little frustrated with the social norms associated with you. Sure, if I'm walking at a moderate pace, and there's someone within a reasonable distance behind me when I open a door, I have no problem holding the door open for them. However, if I'm clearly in a hurry (which is 75% of the time at school) and the person behind me is at a questionable distance (meaning that if I let the door close, it wouldn't slam in their face), then unless they're physically incapable of opening the door (i.e. they're a small child, physically impaired, or carrying something), I don't see why I have to risk being late to whatever obligation I happen to be running to, just to open a freaking door for them.

Honestly, when I'm really racing the clock, I'll usually just blow through a door without looking back to see if anyone's behind me. Whenever this happens, I feel the need to make it crystal clear that I'm in a hurry and simply do not have time to hold the door open for anyone, so that people won't think I'm just being a jerk. Why do I care what random people that I will probably never see again think of me (especially if they're really only seeing the back of my head)? You know, that's a really good question...but I think I'll leave that for another blog.

In conclusion, Doors, I think you're just more trouble than you're worth. Sure, without you we wouldn't be able to enter buildings (or we'd just have a huge gap in the wall of every building, that could never be closed), but are all the awkward moments, broken noses, and ruined reputations worth it?

Love,
Kenz

The wheel breaks the butterfly.

Dear Sleep,

You're beautiful. Has anyone ever told you that? Seriously, I long for you more and more each day, and without you my body grows weary. Why, you ask, have I been cheating on you with caffeine? Well, it's basically the same reason most guys cheat on their girlfriends: I'm not getting any, and caffeine's easier. Regardless, I know you're better for me in the long run, so just hang in there baby. I'll come back to you someday.

Love,
Kenz

Secret's out that I just might care about you.

Dear Pleather Jacket,

Thank you for being you. Seriously, wearing you makes everything better. When I awoke this morning, I had a feeling it would be a bad day; then I put you on, and I had a badass day instead. True story. It's like I'm telling the world, "I'm a rebel, because I care about animals".

Love,
Kenz

I won't let you close enough to hurt me.

Dear American Education System,

Has anyone ever told you that the term "learning disability" is extremely derogatory? Basically, you're telling people that they're unable to learn if they don't fit the mold you've created. Has it ever crossed your mind that perhaps some people just learn differently? I was diagnosed with a "learning disability" in grade school, but I am in no way unable to learn; I just do better when I'm more physically and emotionally engaged in the classroom, instead of just sitting through a ninety minute lecture and trying to memorize millions of facts, dates, and equations that mean nothing to me. And I know I'm not alone: according to the National Institute of Literacy, 30-50% of the U.S. population has undiagnosed learning disabilities. Maybe you need to adjust your standards, or at least give this particular exceptionality a more PC name. How about "learning difference"? Or hey, how about "human"?

Love,
Kenz

P.S. I'm aware that the American Education System isn't perfect, but I refuse to use that as an excuse not to go into the field of education. I just can't walk away from an institution that clearly needs compassionate, driven, and hard-working people to better serve the needs of its students. You can bet that when I'm a teacher, I won't be diagnosing any of my students with "learning disabilities".

P.P.S. On a completely unrelated note, I now have a Facebook fan page. Y'all should chiggity check it out. Just do a search for "Love, Kenz" and it'll pop up.

Darn that one track mind of mine.

Dear Birds (again...I've got another bone to pick with y'all),

My car's windshield is not a toilet seat. Stop crapping on it. Seriously, this has happened four times in the past two months-once WHILE I was driving, which forced me to turn the windshield wipers on high while frantically spraying water, on a perfectly cloudless day. I'm sure anyone who saw this immediately assumed I was crazy, but it's YOU, birds, who are the crazy ones! Someone needs to toilet train you.

Love,
Kenz

I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser.

Dear Helicopter Parents,

I've had it up to HERE (pretend I'm holding my arm up as high as I can reach) with your petty questions and snotty comments about how nasty the apartments are and/or how stupid we apartment RAs are. I've seen some pretty nasty apartments in my days, and comparatively speaking, these ones are really not that bad. More importantly, your child is in college (and most likely an upperclassman if they're living in the apartments); let them take care of themselves, ask their own questions, and fight their own battles. We're doing more work than you can imagine to make sure that your little angel has a fun and safe place to live, and we don't appreciate being snapped at for things that are beyond our control. We didn't build these apartments.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. I realize that the helicopter parents will be even worse once I start teaching. I also realize that when I have kids, I will definitely be a helicopter parent myself. However, that's only because my children legitimately will be the most important children ever. Duh.

I remember the time I knew what happiness was.

Dear Debbie (the eHarmony cat lover),

I'm sure you've been getting a lot of criticism for your video bio, which has somehow leaked itself onto Youtube, not to mention been featured on Fox news...here's my two cents: follow your dreams. I can tell how passionate you are about felines, and if it's truly your dream to hug every cat, go for it! Don't fall prey to the little voice inside your head that tells you this dream is crazy. As Langston Hughes once said:

"Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly."

Debbie, don't you want to fly? Today is your day to spread your wings! I'd recommend starting off small: go door-to-door in your neighborhood, and simply ask, "Excuse me Sir or Madam, do you have a cat? And if so, may I please hug him or her?" Sure, they might give you a weird look at first, but once you explain that you're on a mission to hug every cat, I'm certain they'll oblige. Heck, they might even donate some money towards your cause, which you can use to pay travel costs. Pretty soon, you'll be doing world tours and spreading love to every Felis catus. Who knows, maybe your groundbreaking work will inspire a following of cat huggers worldwide!

I shall close by saying that this type of work is best done in collaboration with people who share your passion and vision. Maybe you can find a guy on eHarmony who loves cats just as much as you do, and he can join you on your journey! Best of luck to you, Debs.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. Congratulations on being my longest post to date.

For me, it isn't over.

Dear Old Myspace Page,

I'm so glad I stumbled upon you a few weeks ago; you're a wonderful reminder of the fact that even though I've always been awesome, my awesomeness has greatly matured over the years. However, one item on my page really surprised and confused me: my relationship status was set to "in a relationship". I have no idea why, or who I was in a relationship with when I abandoned my Myspace roughly four and a half years ago, but I'm going to assume this is why I've been single for the past four years. Guys were probably like "OMG, that Kenzie girl is totes mgotes the awesomest girl I've ever encountered! I'm gonna look her up on Myspace...oh, it says she's in a relationship...no use asking her out, I guess...*sniff*"

Love,
Kenz

It's getting hard to be someone, but it all works out.

Dear Zumba,

Thanks for being invented. Seriously, I have no idea how someone could have conceived such an awesome concept in their mind, but I think you might be my perfect workout. Dancing like an idiot in a room full of other people who are doing the same thing, all the while working core muscle groups and burning calories? Yes please. Clearly we were made for each other.

Love,
Kenz

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me

Dear Princess Peach,

Where are your parents? Aren't they the king and queen of the Mushroom Kingdom (or did you become a princess by marriage...and if so, you've GOT to stop leading Mario on. Seriously, after all he's done for you, you should at least let him know you're married)? Don't they care that you've been repeatedly kidnapped by a large, turtle-like creature, who we all know sorta has a thing for you? Can't they install a better alarm system in the castle, or get some more Goombas and Thwomps to surround the perimeters, so this sort of thing doesn't happen again? Perhaps they gave up on you once you fell in love with a lowly plumber. Anyways, best of luck getting rescued next time.

Love,
Kenz

It’s a long way down to the place where we started from.

Dear Itunes's Shuffle Feature,

First off, is that grammatically correct? "Itunes's Shuffle Feature"? I spent an embarrassingly long amount of time trying to figure that out.

Okay, so the weirdest thing literally just happened: while I had you on, I went to my freezer and got out the ice cream I got from the caf earlier...and just as I was taking my first bite, you started playing "Ice Cream" by Sarah McLachlan. Funny thing is, I'd never actually heard the song before-it was on a mix CD that my friend recently made for me (shoutout: GOOOOOO BROOKE!) so I have to admit, I was a little creeped out at first.

But man, if I can find a love that's better than ice cream, I'll be one happy girl. For now, I'm good with ice cream. It compliments this LAST NIGHT OF MY JUNIOR YEAR quite well.

Seriously Itunes, it's like you have ESPN or something.

Love,
Kenz

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter.

Dear Regulars at the Library Cafe,

It's my last night working here, and I gotta say...I'm gonna miss you guys! I know I don't even know most of your names (though I learned some of your names by nonchalantly glancing at your jaypasses before I swiped them), but I just want you to know that you've made me look forward to my Tuesday nights: ringing people up, writing blogs, perusing Modcloth.com for cute dresses I'll never be able to afford, and generally avoiding that huge glob of homework I always tell myself I'll get done on Tuesday nights. Say, why don't you all drive down to my house some Tuesday night this summer, and I can make you a cup of coffee, and charge you $1.99 for it? It'll be just like old times. Anyways, when I say "have a good one" tonight, I'm really going to mean it. I hope you all have a good one. Maybe a good two or three.

Love,
Kenz

Change is a fact of life. Enjoy the ride.

Dear Bruno Mars,

Why would you ever, EVER catch a grenade for someone? What would that accomplish? The grenade's gonna blow up anyways. And don't even get me started on why you'd throw your hand a blade for someone, or jump in front of a train for someone...seriously dude, if you like a girl, just buy her some nice jewelry or something. If she doesn't reciprocate your feelings, then find someone else. It shouldn't be that hard for you-I mean, you're a famous singer and stuff. You've probably got girls swooning over you everywhere you go, so I really don't see why it's necessary for you to go to such extreme measures to win someone's affection.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. I just did a google image search for you, and decided you're pretty cute. Want to grab coffee sometime? I promise I won't make you catch any grenades. I'm not like those other girls.

Maybe I would've been something you'd be good at.

Dear Cute British Guy from my April 5th post (read it if you haven't already),

So, we meet again. I've missed you love, it's been almost a month! Tonight you ordered a large coffee as usual, but when I asked if you wanted room for cream, you said "No, thank you". "Hmm, his tastes have changed" I thought to myself, but I still left a tiny bit of room at the top of your cup. And I was right-you did need room for cream! Amaretto flavored, I believe. I'll try to make sure we always have Amaretto flavored cream when I'm working on Tuesdays. I mean, that's what I'm hear for, love.

Wow, I'm such a creeper...

Love,
Kenz

Everybody knows it hurts to grow up, and everybody does.

Dear Rompers,

For the past two summers I've seen you in stores, in magazines, and occasionally on supermodels...but I've never actually seen anyone I know wearing you. Stop trying to be cool. You're not.

Love,
Kenz

All I did was wonder how your arms would feel.

Dear Friend Zone,

Since guys seem to put me in you all the time, would you mind if I redecorate a little? I mean, no offense, but your confining gray walls are a little drab for my taste. How about I sponge paint the walls a mix of lavender and baby blue, add a comfy futon and a shag rug, and maybe a cheap TV with an N46? Oh, and how about some cats? Yes, lots of fluffy, cuddly kitties. Also, a record player with an endless supply of 90s pop music on vinyl would be super. And if you don't mind terribly, I'd like at least one of the walls to have a window, so that I can gaze out on the real world in hopes that someday my prince will come. Or maybe just somebody to snuggle up on the futon and play N64 with.

Love,
Kenz

It's only fair to tell you, I'm absolutely cuckoo.

Dear Birds,

Let me begin by saying that (most of) you are all adorable, and I wish I could eat, sing, and fly like you do. Okay, on to business: while your little chirp-chirpings are sweet and cute from sunrise to sunset, lately you seem to be a little confused. Last night I woke up around 2 am to your sweet songs...don't you know that when the sun goes down, it's sleepy time for birds and humans, and probably other animals too? I'm an RA in my dorm, and quiet hours are from 10 pm to 7 am...I guess I can let you go with a warning this time, but don't let it happen again, okay? Otherwise, I might have to write you up, and that would just kill me (and prove my insanity to my supervisor).

Love,
Kenz

You said, "Nobody loves me", and I said "Wanna bet?"

Dear Cute British Guy,

You always come to the Library Cafe when I'm working (Coincidence? Probably, but a girl can dream) and ask, in your heart-melting accent, "May I please have a large coffee, love?" and in my head I always reply with "May I please marry you, love?"

Love,
Kenz

Who cares if you disagree? You are not me.

Dear Third Floor of Irion,

Spending time in you, practicing music, has taught me a valuable life lesson: the walls ain't sound proof. You can hear other people practicing, and they can hear you. And maybe they'll judge you...hell, maybe they'll even judge you out loud. But at some point, you have to just decide that you don't care, because you're not going to get any better if you don't keep practicing. So just keep doing your own thing, and if people don't appreciate it, oh well.

Thanks third floor of Irion! Gee, my life would be so different if your practice rooms were actually sound proof.

Love,
Kenz

Welcome to my silly life

Dear P!nk,

In case you hadn't noticed, my last three blog titles have been inspired by your lyrics...and there's a reason for that: I'm starting to believe that you're my secret alterego. I'm just now getting into your music (which is sad, since you've been around for, what, ten years? Dang, good for you girl!) and you know how to spit the truth while still being rockin'. This sounds ridiculous, but I honestly feel like you're the kind of pop star I would be if I were ever brave or talented enough to take my life in that direction. So good job.

Love,
Kenz

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me

Dear Wednesday,

Wow, I have to hand it to ya-for once, you didn't suck. I mean, minus the part where that lady glared at me at work, and tried to steal an orange juice because she "really wasn't feeling well". But for real...my Conducting final was half decent, I got to spend qual time with my little sister Kat, and we put on a successful Sex in the Dark program in Niebs. And now I have time to catch up on Glee, and maybe study more for my Percussion Tech midterm. Maybe. You done good, Weds. You done real good.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. could you tell your bff Thursday to follow suit?

So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways

Dear General Public,

Please stop asking me (and people in general) if I have a boyfriend. If I do (or another hypothetical person does), and I want to tell you, I will. Otherwise, there's no reason to ask; oftentimes you're pouring salt on the wound.

Love,
Kenz

I always seem to forget how fragile are the very strong

Dear Voice,

Please don't leave me! You're not gone yet, but I can feel you packing your bags. I know you've been working a lot lately, and I know you could probably use a vacation, but could you wait a week and a half? I really need you now, and always. Quite honestly, without you, I'm just another okay-looking girl of average intelligence. You complete me.

Love,
Kenz

Everything is important, and everything is not.

Dear Friends,

I can't thank you enough for keeping me afloat this week. I've realized lately that I have a habit of pushing people away when I need them the most and trying to just deal with stuff on my own, all the while pretending that everything's okay...but you know me better than that. I don't know what I did to deserve all of the amazing friends that I have, but I'm extremely grateful.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. I thought about giving individual shout-outs, but I didn't want anyone to feel offended or left out. Plus I have no idea who even reads this thing. So if you think I'm talking about you, you're correct =)

You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you

Dear Music History Project,

Listen, can you please just do yourself? I'm tired. It's been a rough day, and if I tried to stay up late and do you, the results wouldn't be very satisfactory. Thing is, I don't like you very much...sorry, I know that's hard to hear, but honesty is important in this relationship. I think it's time you found someone else to torment.

Love,
Kenz

My heart beats like a drum, a guitar stringed to the strum

Dear Plain White T's,

Why do we only have tonight? What happens tomorrow? Are you leaving the country? Is the world going to be hit by an asteroid? Is your long-term girlfriend coming back from vacation? Don't get me wrong, your song is catchy, but if you ain't in it for the long run, I ain't the girl for you.

Love,
Kenz

It's astounding how you live so close to your cure

Dear Inside Thoughts,

You're called "inside thoughts" for a reason. Stay inside next time, so I won't spend the rest of the day agonizing about whether or not I offended or angered the person I said you to.

Love,
Kenz

I'm only happy when it rains

Dear Girls on My Floor,

Yes, there's a thunderstorm happening. How incredibly observant of you. However, this does not mean you have to shriek like banshees every time lightening strikes. That's just unnecessary.

Love,
Kenz

I want someone provocative and talkative

Dear Five Pounds I've Somehow Gained in the Past Month,

Don't get too comfortable. I am making it my goal to get back down to the size I was in high school. I WILL wear my senior prom dress to the SAI Formal, and I WILL look hot as hell. I bought a new workout DVD over the weekend. Consider this your eviction notice.

Love,
Kenz

There's no place like

Dear Home,

Ever since I left you to go to college, I haven't spent more than three weeks at a time living in you. But now that I only see you about once a month, I'm always excited to come back to you. Even today, when I'm back just for a weekend and none of my home friends are home, I've been the happiest and most serene that I've been in ages. Thank you for always being there for me when I need some familiarity.

Love,
Kenz

Sometimes I wish I'd never known just how brilliantly you shown

Dear Modcloth Designers,

I'm onto you. I know what you're doing...designing ridiculously pricey, ridiculously adorable dresses that you KNOW are just my style, and putting them in Facebooks ads to lure me in. You KNOW I'll click on your ad, and you KNOW that I have neither money nor an occasion to wear any of your gorgeous creations. But you also know that someday, if I suddenly obtain a large sum of money, you will be my first splurge. In the meantime, could you maybe get a little more affordable?

Love,
Kenz

We went from cathedral bells to show-and-tells and wish-you-wells

Dear Music History Professor,

Putting an exclamation point at the end of every sentence on the research project outline won't make me any more excited to do this research project.

i.e. "Choose one of the following Mozart concertos for this project! (You need to find a musical score & recording of the concerto you chose to study-- either online or on Reserve in the Library!)"

"Use the listening guides in the NAWM as a stylistic guide!"

"Your project is due in class on Monday, February 14!!!"

...sorry Wendy, you're just too enthusiastic for me. I finished my research project, but I had to sacrifice a lot of sleep to do so. Don't expect me to match your peppiness tomorrow. Or ever.

Love,
Kenz

You've got terrible vision if you don't see that I'm in love with you

Dear Mean Girls,

No matter how many times I see you, I can't get over how fantastic you are. Thanks so much for being on TBS when I went to the gym tonight, it made that hour long work out fly by like a bluejay on speed.

Love,
Kenz

With every motion there's an ocean of emotion

Dear Coffee Carafes at the Library Cafe,

Please continue to look like penguins in my strange, imaginative mind. You make my otherwise blase job slightly entertaining. Also, could you maybe learn the can-can?

Love,
Kenz

And if I walk away, please follow me

Dear Red Velvet Cake Ice Cream from the Roost,

Could you either stop being so delicious, or stop being so fattening? I would really appreciate it.

Love, Kenz