That's why we only work when we need the money.

Dear Towing Company in downtown Chicago (I'll be nice and keep you anonymous),

I hope you're pleased with yourselves. I was parked in your poorly marked private lot for, at the most, twenty minutes when you decided "Hey, idea: let's steal this chick's car, make her navigate downtown Chicago on foot by herself, and then make her pay $200 to get it back! That sounds reasonable!" My intent was to save money by avoiding meter parking, as I was merely stopping by to drop off some donations at a local homeless shelter. Yeah, you just charged a freaking PHILANTHROPIST! Seriously, how do you all sleep at night, knowing that your job is based on ransom?

Love,
Kenz

Now and again we try to just stay alive.

Dear freshmen,

To those of you who keep complaining about how busy your school year has been, or how hard your finals are, don't worry. It only gets worse from here. I'm sorry I don't have anything funnier or more insightful to say, but I just wanted to inform you all, you know, in case you were worried about things getting too easy.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. best of luck on finals!