Say goodbye to us saying "I do"s.

Dear OkCupid,

I joined you about three and a half years ago, after hearing that a few of my friends were in fun, healthy, long term relationships with people that they had met through you. To this day, I still meet people from time to time who tell me that they met their significant other through you, or through another dating site (although you seem to have the best deal, in that you are free ((unlike Match and eHarmony)) but not quite as sketchy as Tinder), and I rejoice in their successes. However, I have recently come to the conclusion that online dating probably isn't for me. My reasoning is a bit complicated; in short, I fail to see how reading someone's online dating profile could determine whether or not me and this hypothetical person would, as they say, "click". 

After making this realization, I considered deleting my OkCupid account and calling it a day; instead, I decided to use my alluring charm and sharp wit to educate the men on your site on how to properly court a lady on the internet...and to have a few chuckles :)

Below, you will find transcripts of actual conversations held on OkCupid. Usernames, and other personal information, have been eliminated for privacy sake; however, it is important for you to know that NO FURTHER EDITING of these conversations has taken place:

Suitor 1: A wise man told me two things opposites attract and beauty comes from the heart not feature and I'm jay I'm semi pro football player who has 2 jobs and loves to bake and make people smile and laugh and i would like to get to know you for the amazingly gorgeous women you are
Me: Two things:
-Ever heard of periods? No, I'm not talking about menstrual cycles, but these guys: (.) Yeah, you might want to try using them now and again. Question marks (?) or exclamation points (!) work too.
-Also, you said that "beauty comes from the heart not feature", but you later called me an "amazingly gorgeous women" (I'm assuming you meant woman, as I am singular)...are you implying that, based on my pictures, I am not beautiful on the outside?
Just some food for thought.
Suitor 1: See your so smart your dumb i implied that just because you beautiful or amazingly gorgeous don't mean your personality is so I like I said would like to get to know you but I don't now and YOU AINT A TEACHER OR MY MOTHER FUCK USING periods i have no reason to get a life and stop trying to be something your not which is a teacher
Me: Clearly you didn't read the part of my profile where I mentioned my occupation. Anyways, if proper grammar isn't a priority for you, that's fine! It just wouldn't work out between us (which you seem to have already accepted).
Suitor 1: You not my teacher was the point n IDC have a nice day n go hassle someone who got time cause u wasting my good time

Suitor 2: I just made the 70% cut off so that's a plus. :)
Me: That's all you have to say? That's a minus. :(
Suitor 2: well to be honest I'm a very shy person. I know that's a minus too. I can say you have a very pretty smile.
Me: Thanks :)
Suitor 2: You're welcome. How was your weekend do anything exciting
Notification: Sorry, Suitor 2 no longer has an account.

Suitor 3: (quoting my profile) "I'm sorry if this all sounds pretty blunt and hostile, but after being on here for a year and a half, I just don't want to waste my time (or yours)."
Not to sound blunt or hostile, but doesnt that reflect on you more than the guys? That you havent found the right guy in 1.5 years on here?

Me: Good point! With such kind gentlemen (such as yourself) sending me nice messages on here all the time, it's a wonder I'm still single! Clearly there's something wrong with me.
In all seriousness though, I don't understand why you took that statement in my profile as a criticism of the men on this site. All I meant is that I know what I want, and if that's not you (or any hypothetical man), then I wouldn't want to waste your time.

Suitor 3: Haha thanks for the compliment of being a gentleman. And honestly, i just wanted to see how you reacted with me being an asshole to start out. You took it pretty well. Heck if anything, it is fun being on here just for the ridiculous messages i know girls get. That alone is worth the entertainment.

Me: Yeah, some girls on here get some ridiculous messages. My gal pals are currently having a good laugh at this particular thread, so thanks for the entertainment!

Suitor 3: Tell them to hit me up

Suitor 4: Hello. How was your day? Well I'm nick and I'm a pretty unique guy looking to get to know a special lady like yourself. Well I hope we can talk soon :)

Me: Nice to meet you, Nick the Unique Guy! (Now that's a tongue-twister)

So, just curious, how many other special ladies did you send that exact message to?

Suitor 4: Haha I have no idea. But my question is how many girls will actually respond to a message prepared by a guy?

Me: Glad you're honest :) I tend to respond to messages from guys that a) consist of mostly correct spelling and grammar, and b) mention something specific about my profile, so I know that he didn't just copy and paste a generic message. Just a thought!

Suitor 4: Well I understand. I hate to do it this way but honestly half the girls don't read messages so why waste my time? I honestly would take the time to write a nice message with meaning but would I get that time back haha

Suitor 5: Can I ask you a sexual question?

Me: No.

Suitor 5: I'm sorry you're so pretty I don't know what to say

Me: Thank you for the compliment, and for being honest...but really, that's the best pick up line you can think of?

Suitor 5: Can we cuddle?

Me: Maybe.

Suitor 6: Hi - would you consider having dinner with me?

Me: Hi - how many other women did you copy and paste that invitation? Just curious, as I want to know if this is a date or a dinner party.

Suitor 6: Just 2!!

Suitor 6: Kidding!!

Me: Thanks for the honesty :)

Suitor 6: Is that a yes?

Me: If I'm really the only woman that you sent that terribly unoriginal message to...then that's a no. Sorry!

Suitor 6: Sent to 2

Suitor 6: What is your story ?

Suitor 6: You are full of it - call me- (insert phone number). No woman is that free!'

Me: What's my story?

I gave up on finding "the one" on this site a while ago. I'm not trying to dis online dating; it works for some people, but I just don't see it working out for me, for several reasons. I could just delete my account, but instead I like to have a little fun by attempting to educate the men who message me on proper online dating etiquette. 

Again, thank you for being honest about copying and pasting that message. In the future, when you are asking out a lady on OkCupid, I would highly recommend commenting and/or asking a question regarding something on her profile, so she knows that you didn't copy and paste a generic message. Just a thought! 

If you really did send that message to another woman, I hope that you find more success with her than you did with me.

Suitor 6: Does that mean I can not buy you dinner?

Me: Correct.

Suitor 6: I know a great place for dinner.

Suitor 6: Really?

Suitor 6: My error!!

Suitor 6: I love red heads but strawberry blondes

Suitor 6: JUST WOW!!

Suitor 6: You seem amazing can I get 2nd chance?

Suitor 6: GOD YOU ARE SO CUTE!!

Suitor 6: Just dinner and a movie?

Suitor 6: No response?

Suitor 6: Ok

Suitor 6: Can you call me (insert phone number again)

Suitor 6: I guess no

Suitor 6: Still no?

Suitor 6: Hi - would you consider having dinner with me?

Me: That's a joke, right? Please, PLEASE tell me you didn't accidentally send me the same copy-and-pasted message that you sent me last night...which I thought that I clearly turned down!

Suitor 6: Lol

(Suitor 6 went on to make some inappropriate comments, which I would prefer not to post here)

Me: You really can't take a hint, can you..

This conversation has been entertaining, but I'm going to have to block you; sorry, your persistence is making me uncomfortable. 

Best of luck with future flirtations!

...and those are only the exceptionally hilarious ones. 

But I firmly believe that every cheesy, sleazy message that I've received on this website has been worth suffering through for this one: 

Suitor 7: I would just like to go on record and say if I was young enough to have you as a teacher...I'd totally bring you an apple every day. EVERY DAY!"

So thanks for the laughs, OkCupid, but I don't think you'll be introducing me to my soul mate anytime soon. They should really just call you MediocreCupid.

Love,

Kenz

All I want from you is to see you tomorrow.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

I just gotta ask: WHO THE HECK is acting like it's a bad thing to fall in love with you? Like, are they aware that you are Justin Freakin' Timberlake? Honestly dude, whoever she is, just let her go. There will be others, okay? I can't even believe that I'm having this conversation with you. Oh wait...

Love,
Kenz

All I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.

Dear Fellow Single Twentysomethings,

Can we all just agree to stop playing games and just be honest with each other? Seriously, we're adults (or so they say), it's time we start acting like it.

Here's what I'm talking about: there will come a time when someone is very, very interested in you, but for whatever reason, you're just not interested in them "in that way". You could blow them off and leave them hanging, OR you could tell them how you truly feel. Trust me, if you were in their shoes (i.e. "we had a great time, but then he/she never returned my texts"), you'd probably rather know than be left hanging forever. Be nice, but be honest. I can't say that I've always been honest in these situations; however, I can say that when I haven't been completely honest, I've ALWAYS regretted it and I've ALWAYS paid for it.

Keep it real, and remember The Golden Rule.

Love,
Kenz

You can call it another lonely day.

Dear Fellow Oreoholics,

Take heed: Nabisco has come out with a new variety known as the "Triple Double Oreo" (okay, so it's probably not all that new, but I only recently became aware of it, so there). They look something like this:


Yes, they may appear to be the bomb diggity and the perfect snack to overindulge in when you've had a rough day at work, but trust me: they're not that great. I mean, they're not horrible, and I still totally plan on finishing off the package I bought yesterday, but they're not nearly as awesome as they sound. They're too much cookie and not enough cream.

In hindsight, I should have gone for Double Stuf. Always go for Double Stuf. Double Stuf means it's double tough not to eat them all. Also, if you should happen to run into a package of Mega Stuf, GO FOR IT! Those ones actually are as awesome as they sound.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. The serving size listed on the back of that package says one cookie. Yeah right.

Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart.

Dear Male Population,

There's actually a lot of things that I could say to you, but right now let's focus on the fact that I'm getting pretty tired of hearing many of you (mostly those who are attracted to women) say that women don't need to wear makeup, because you prefer the "natural look". I would like to believe that those of you who say this, or something similar, have the best of intentions: you want women to feel good about themselves. However, by saying that women shouldn't wear makeup because you prefer their faces commando,  you are assuming that women choose to wear makeup solely to look appealing in your eyes. Heck, one could even say that a phrase such as this one implies that women make all of their decisions solely to appeal to the desires of your population, but we'll stick with the makeup thing for now.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, certain women wear certain amounts of makeup because they actually like the way that it makes them look? That's right, you heard me (or read me) correctly: sometimes women do things because they want to, and they don't need to be makeup-shamed for it.

I know you're not exactly my main demographic, but maybe the few of you males who read this blog could spread the word? Guys talk about this kind of stuff, right? Riiiiiight?

Love,
Kenz

Let's not make this harder than it has to be.

Dear Calories,

My high school health teacher told me that you're just another word for "energy", which we obviously need. Still, I have to question your significance in the health world sometimes. What I mean is, I feel like some people obsess over you when you're just, like, not that important, you know?

I'm not exactly a "health nut", but I did recently download an app to my iPhone called "My Fitness Pal", which basically calculates how many of you I consume and burn in a day (based on my food and exercise choices) and projects my potential weight loss (or gain, I suppose). According to today's entry, I could lose eight pounds in five weeks by eating a diet that included beer, pizza, and homemade cookies (and over an hour of Zumba toning, but still...).

Could I actually lose weight by sticking to this strict pizza-beer-cookie diet? Eh, maybe, provided I had time to work out for over an hour every day. Would I be taking significant steps towards improving my overall health? I wish, but I sort of doubt it.

I'm just saying, you're not as important as you think you are. Get over yourselves.

Love,
Kenz

I'll take your side; if I'm the only one, I'm used to that.

Dear Loyal Blog-readers,

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting as frequently as I had planned on in the new year. To be honest, I haven't been in a very comical mood as of lately...but that's not your fault, beautiful fans.

You've probably heard this often misattributed quote: "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle". I was reminded of this a few days ago, when one of my students walked into class looking a bit down. "Everything okay, (student's name)?" I said, to which she replied "I'm just not in a very good mood today...". At first I thought "oh please, your little seventh-grader problems ain't got nothing on my quarter-life crisis!" but then I reminded myself that I have absolutely no right to judge this girl, since I don't know her battles.

If you're reading this, chances are you're fighting your own battle. I truly wish there was something I could do to make your battle easier, but I will tell you this: whatever your battle may be, both time and love will make it easier. Be strong, but let yourself be sad when you need to be. Remind yourself that this too shall pass. Don't be afraid to reach out to those around you; regardless of how petty you think your battle is, know that there are people who love you and who will be there for you, whatever that entails. And hey, if you're one of my loyal blog-readers, that includes me. No foolin'.

Love,
Kenz

The girls with the bodies like boys with ferraris.

Dear Double Standards,

You're stupid and outdated. That's all I have to say to you. You can go away now. No, really.

Love,
Kenz