Couldn't be more opposite; I'm hard to please, and you're hard to get.

Dear Parents of Nine-Year-Old Girls,

I know that clothes shopping with your daughter at this age must not be easy, but trust me, there are plenty of tasteful, reasonably priced, age-appropriate clothing stores that you can take your daughter to; Victoria's Secret should NOT be on that list. I am tired of seeing girls this young wearing t-shirts, sweats, yoga pants, etc. from this store.

Those of us who are familiar with VS know that t-shirts, sweats, and yoga pants are NOT their best selling items. If this statement confuses you, try looking up their website. Notice how their header says "Victoria's Secret: Lingerie and Women's Clothing". Notice how "Women's Clothing" is the second thing listed (and how it says "Women's Clothing", NOT "Prepubescent Girls' Clothing").

To put it plainly, Victoria's Secret sells sex appeal; is that really what you want to be buying for your nine-year-old? Personally, seeing junior high-aged girls sporting VS outerwear makes me cringe. When I was twenty, my aunt gave me a VS gift card for Christmas, and my father nearly choked. Sure, this made me roll my eyes a little, but in hindsight I am thankful that my parents weren't dressing me up in Victoria's Secret at that age.

Love,
Kenz

That's why we only work when we need the money.

Dear Towing Company in downtown Chicago (I'll be nice and keep you anonymous),

I hope you're pleased with yourselves. I was parked in your poorly marked private lot for, at the most, twenty minutes when you decided "Hey, idea: let's steal this chick's car, make her navigate downtown Chicago on foot by herself, and then make her pay $200 to get it back! That sounds reasonable!" My intent was to save money by avoiding meter parking, as I was merely stopping by to drop off some donations at a local homeless shelter. Yeah, you just charged a freaking PHILANTHROPIST! Seriously, how do you all sleep at night, knowing that your job is based on ransom?

Love,
Kenz

Now and again we try to just stay alive.

Dear freshmen,

To those of you who keep complaining about how busy your school year has been, or how hard your finals are, don't worry. It only gets worse from here. I'm sorry I don't have anything funnier or more insightful to say, but I just wanted to inform you all, you know, in case you were worried about things getting too easy.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. best of luck on finals!

The way you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell.

Dear One Direction,

Man, you guys really know how to spit the truth. Low self-esteem? SUPER sexy. That explains why I've been single for so long...all this time, I thought confidence and a strong sense of self-worth was the way to go, but clearly I've been doing it wrong. I bet if I start hating myself, the guys will be lining up across the street to holler at this.

And here I thought Beyonce's song was bad for the gender equality movement...

In other words, you might want to go in another direction next time.

Love,
Kenz