I remember the time I knew what happiness was.

Dear Debbie (the eHarmony cat lover),

I'm sure you've been getting a lot of criticism for your video bio, which has somehow leaked itself onto Youtube, not to mention been featured on Fox news...here's my two cents: follow your dreams. I can tell how passionate you are about felines, and if it's truly your dream to hug every cat, go for it! Don't fall prey to the little voice inside your head that tells you this dream is crazy. As Langston Hughes once said:

"Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly."

Debbie, don't you want to fly? Today is your day to spread your wings! I'd recommend starting off small: go door-to-door in your neighborhood, and simply ask, "Excuse me Sir or Madam, do you have a cat? And if so, may I please hug him or her?" Sure, they might give you a weird look at first, but once you explain that you're on a mission to hug every cat, I'm certain they'll oblige. Heck, they might even donate some money towards your cause, which you can use to pay travel costs. Pretty soon, you'll be doing world tours and spreading love to every Felis catus. Who knows, maybe your groundbreaking work will inspire a following of cat huggers worldwide!

I shall close by saying that this type of work is best done in collaboration with people who share your passion and vision. Maybe you can find a guy on eHarmony who loves cats just as much as you do, and he can join you on your journey! Best of luck to you, Debs.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. Congratulations on being my longest post to date.

For me, it isn't over.

Dear Old Myspace Page,

I'm so glad I stumbled upon you a few weeks ago; you're a wonderful reminder of the fact that even though I've always been awesome, my awesomeness has greatly matured over the years. However, one item on my page really surprised and confused me: my relationship status was set to "in a relationship". I have no idea why, or who I was in a relationship with when I abandoned my Myspace roughly four and a half years ago, but I'm going to assume this is why I've been single for the past four years. Guys were probably like "OMG, that Kenzie girl is totes mgotes the awesomest girl I've ever encountered! I'm gonna look her up on Myspace...oh, it says she's in a relationship...no use asking her out, I guess...*sniff*"

Love,
Kenz

It's getting hard to be someone, but it all works out.

Dear Zumba,

Thanks for being invented. Seriously, I have no idea how someone could have conceived such an awesome concept in their mind, but I think you might be my perfect workout. Dancing like an idiot in a room full of other people who are doing the same thing, all the while working core muscle groups and burning calories? Yes please. Clearly we were made for each other.

Love,
Kenz

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me

Dear Princess Peach,

Where are your parents? Aren't they the king and queen of the Mushroom Kingdom (or did you become a princess by marriage...and if so, you've GOT to stop leading Mario on. Seriously, after all he's done for you, you should at least let him know you're married)? Don't they care that you've been repeatedly kidnapped by a large, turtle-like creature, who we all know sorta has a thing for you? Can't they install a better alarm system in the castle, or get some more Goombas and Thwomps to surround the perimeters, so this sort of thing doesn't happen again? Perhaps they gave up on you once you fell in love with a lowly plumber. Anyways, best of luck getting rescued next time.

Love,
Kenz

It’s a long way down to the place where we started from.

Dear Itunes's Shuffle Feature,

First off, is that grammatically correct? "Itunes's Shuffle Feature"? I spent an embarrassingly long amount of time trying to figure that out.

Okay, so the weirdest thing literally just happened: while I had you on, I went to my freezer and got out the ice cream I got from the caf earlier...and just as I was taking my first bite, you started playing "Ice Cream" by Sarah McLachlan. Funny thing is, I'd never actually heard the song before-it was on a mix CD that my friend recently made for me (shoutout: GOOOOOO BROOKE!) so I have to admit, I was a little creeped out at first.

But man, if I can find a love that's better than ice cream, I'll be one happy girl. For now, I'm good with ice cream. It compliments this LAST NIGHT OF MY JUNIOR YEAR quite well.

Seriously Itunes, it's like you have ESPN or something.

Love,
Kenz

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter.

Dear Regulars at the Library Cafe,

It's my last night working here, and I gotta say...I'm gonna miss you guys! I know I don't even know most of your names (though I learned some of your names by nonchalantly glancing at your jaypasses before I swiped them), but I just want you to know that you've made me look forward to my Tuesday nights: ringing people up, writing blogs, perusing Modcloth.com for cute dresses I'll never be able to afford, and generally avoiding that huge glob of homework I always tell myself I'll get done on Tuesday nights. Say, why don't you all drive down to my house some Tuesday night this summer, and I can make you a cup of coffee, and charge you $1.99 for it? It'll be just like old times. Anyways, when I say "have a good one" tonight, I'm really going to mean it. I hope you all have a good one. Maybe a good two or three.

Love,
Kenz

Change is a fact of life. Enjoy the ride.

Dear Bruno Mars,

Why would you ever, EVER catch a grenade for someone? What would that accomplish? The grenade's gonna blow up anyways. And don't even get me started on why you'd throw your hand a blade for someone, or jump in front of a train for someone...seriously dude, if you like a girl, just buy her some nice jewelry or something. If she doesn't reciprocate your feelings, then find someone else. It shouldn't be that hard for you-I mean, you're a famous singer and stuff. You've probably got girls swooning over you everywhere you go, so I really don't see why it's necessary for you to go to such extreme measures to win someone's affection.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. I just did a google image search for you, and decided you're pretty cute. Want to grab coffee sometime? I promise I won't make you catch any grenades. I'm not like those other girls.