Dear freshmen,
To those of you who keep complaining about how busy your school year has been, or how hard your finals are, don't worry. It only gets worse from here. I'm sorry I don't have anything funnier or more insightful to say, but I just wanted to inform you all, you know, in case you were worried about things getting too easy.
Love,
Kenz
P.S. best of luck on finals!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The way you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell.
Dear One Direction,
Man, you guys really know how to spit the truth. Low self-esteem? SUPER sexy. That explains why I've been single for so long...all this time, I thought confidence and a strong sense of self-worth was the way to go, but clearly I've been doing it wrong. I bet if I start hating myself, the guys will be lining up across the street to holler at this.
And here I thought Beyonce's song was bad for the gender equality movement...
In other words, you might want to go in another direction next time.
Love,
Kenz
Man, you guys really know how to spit the truth. Low self-esteem? SUPER sexy. That explains why I've been single for so long...all this time, I thought confidence and a strong sense of self-worth was the way to go, but clearly I've been doing it wrong. I bet if I start hating myself, the guys will be lining up across the street to holler at this.
And here I thought Beyonce's song was bad for the gender equality movement...
In other words, you might want to go in another direction next time.
Love,
Kenz
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike.
Dear Beyonce,
There has been a ridiculous amount of engagement rings appearing on the fingers of my peers, friend's friends, Facebook friends, etc. lately. I blame you. Seriously, my generation was totally cool with taking things slow, until your little one-chord wonder "Single Ladies" topped the charts. Suddenly, guys all think that if they like a girl (they don't even have to love her, just LIKE her) then they SHOULD put a ring on it (and that they should refer to their girlfriend as "it", which is extremely derogatory and a step in the totally wrong direction for the gender equality movement). I have a good amount of respect for you as a person and as a performer, but you really need to think about the message behind your lyrics (no matter how sick the beat is). In conclusion, next time you run into your ex at a club after you just broke up, and he sees you all up on another brother, just don't pay him any attention!
Love,
Kenz
P.S. Gentlemen, in all seriousness, don't make a huge life decision based on what you heard in a song with one chord, no matter how many non-consecutive weeks that song spent as the number-one single. You've got time, rings are expensive, and the right girl will wait (says the single lady).
P.P.S. Everyone, in all seriousness...please don't take this post too seriously! I'm not trying to hate on engaged people, or criticize anyone's choices. If you're happily engaged or married, good for you! I wish you all the best.
There has been a ridiculous amount of engagement rings appearing on the fingers of my peers, friend's friends, Facebook friends, etc. lately. I blame you. Seriously, my generation was totally cool with taking things slow, until your little one-chord wonder "Single Ladies" topped the charts. Suddenly, guys all think that if they like a girl (they don't even have to love her, just LIKE her) then they SHOULD put a ring on it (and that they should refer to their girlfriend as "it", which is extremely derogatory and a step in the totally wrong direction for the gender equality movement). I have a good amount of respect for you as a person and as a performer, but you really need to think about the message behind your lyrics (no matter how sick the beat is). In conclusion, next time you run into your ex at a club after you just broke up, and he sees you all up on another brother, just don't pay him any attention!
Love,
Kenz
P.S. Gentlemen, in all seriousness, don't make a huge life decision based on what you heard in a song with one chord, no matter how many non-consecutive weeks that song spent as the number-one single. You've got time, rings are expensive, and the right girl will wait (says the single lady).
P.P.S. Everyone, in all seriousness...please don't take this post too seriously! I'm not trying to hate on engaged people, or criticize anyone's choices. If you're happily engaged or married, good for you! I wish you all the best.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Babe, I know that it's your soul, but could you bottle it up?
Dear Kensie Clothing Line,
I was SUPER excited when somebody told me that there was a clothing line named after me. However, upon further inspection of your website, I have a few pointers for you, Kenzie to Kenzie...er, Kensie...
a) Learn how to spell Kenzie. I have NEVER met a girl named Kensie! Then again, I've also never met a girl named Kenzy, Kensee, or Kinsey, but those are all common misspellings of my name.
b) Learn how to hire models that don't look like awkward zombies. Seriously, do you really think you're going to sell clothes worn by models in poses like this:
http://www.kensie.com/Zebra-Sweater/PFMUG5567,default,pd.html?dwvar_PFMUG5567_color=002&start=6&cgid=kensie
and this:
http://www.kensie.com/Sheer-T-Shirt-Tank-Top/PFMU3451,default,pd.html?dwvar_PFMU3451_color=062&start=6&cgid=kensie-tops
oh, and this one just SCREAMS "I would like to awkwardly nibble on your brains, if that's cool with you":
http://www.kensie.com/Double-Button-Animal-Brocade-Dress/PFMU9S76,default,pd.html?dwvar_PFMU9S76_color=842&start=9&cgid=kensie-dresses
c) Learn how to competitively price your clothing for your target audience. I don't know very many twenty-something-year-old women who would shell out $78 for a freaking tank top.
Love,
Kenz
I was SUPER excited when somebody told me that there was a clothing line named after me. However, upon further inspection of your website, I have a few pointers for you, Kenzie to Kenzie...er, Kensie...
a) Learn how to spell Kenzie. I have NEVER met a girl named Kensie! Then again, I've also never met a girl named Kenzy, Kensee, or Kinsey, but those are all common misspellings of my name.
b) Learn how to hire models that don't look like awkward zombies. Seriously, do you really think you're going to sell clothes worn by models in poses like this:
http://www.kensie.com/Zebra-Sweater/PFMUG5567,default,pd.html?dwvar_PFMUG5567_color=002&start=6&cgid=kensie
and this:
http://www.kensie.com/Sheer-T-Shirt-Tank-Top/PFMU3451,default,pd.html?dwvar_PFMU3451_color=062&start=6&cgid=kensie-tops
oh, and this one just SCREAMS "I would like to awkwardly nibble on your brains, if that's cool with you":
http://www.kensie.com/Double-Button-Animal-Brocade-Dress/PFMU9S76,default,pd.html?dwvar_PFMU9S76_color=842&start=9&cgid=kensie-dresses
c) Learn how to competitively price your clothing for your target audience. I don't know very many twenty-something-year-old women who would shell out $78 for a freaking tank top.
Love,
Kenz
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
My blues are gone forever.
Dear Professor,
How exactly am I supposed to write a 1-2 page reflection on an article that isn't even 2 pages long? This does not compute. You've been driving me crazy in general lately, but this assignment is like the crazy icing on the crazy cake.
Come to think of it, that hypothetical cake might not taste too bad...
Regardless, please get your shit together (I said please!).
Love,
Kenz
How exactly am I supposed to write a 1-2 page reflection on an article that isn't even 2 pages long? This does not compute. You've been driving me crazy in general lately, but this assignment is like the crazy icing on the crazy cake.
Come to think of it, that hypothetical cake might not taste too bad...
Regardless, please get your shit together (I said please!).
Love,
Kenz
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Our hell ends every weekend.
Dear Doors,
I'm getting a little frustrated with the social norms associated with you. Sure, if I'm walking at a moderate pace, and there's someone within a reasonable distance behind me when I open a door, I have no problem holding the door open for them. However, if I'm clearly in a hurry (which is 75% of the time at school) and the person behind me is at a questionable distance (meaning that if I let the door close, it wouldn't slam in their face), then unless they're physically incapable of opening the door (i.e. they're a small child, physically impaired, or carrying something), I don't see why I have to risk being late to whatever obligation I happen to be running to, just to open a freaking door for them.
Honestly, when I'm really racing the clock, I'll usually just blow through a door without looking back to see if anyone's behind me. Whenever this happens, I feel the need to make it crystal clear that I'm in a hurry and simply do not have time to hold the door open for anyone, so that people won't think I'm just being a jerk. Why do I care what random people that I will probably never see again think of me (especially if they're really only seeing the back of my head)? You know, that's a really good question...but I think I'll leave that for another blog.
In conclusion, Doors, I think you're just more trouble than you're worth. Sure, without you we wouldn't be able to enter buildings (or we'd just have a huge gap in the wall of every building, that could never be closed), but are all the awkward moments, broken noses, and ruined reputations worth it?
Love,
Kenz
I'm getting a little frustrated with the social norms associated with you. Sure, if I'm walking at a moderate pace, and there's someone within a reasonable distance behind me when I open a door, I have no problem holding the door open for them. However, if I'm clearly in a hurry (which is 75% of the time at school) and the person behind me is at a questionable distance (meaning that if I let the door close, it wouldn't slam in their face), then unless they're physically incapable of opening the door (i.e. they're a small child, physically impaired, or carrying something), I don't see why I have to risk being late to whatever obligation I happen to be running to, just to open a freaking door for them.
Honestly, when I'm really racing the clock, I'll usually just blow through a door without looking back to see if anyone's behind me. Whenever this happens, I feel the need to make it crystal clear that I'm in a hurry and simply do not have time to hold the door open for anyone, so that people won't think I'm just being a jerk. Why do I care what random people that I will probably never see again think of me (especially if they're really only seeing the back of my head)? You know, that's a really good question...but I think I'll leave that for another blog.
In conclusion, Doors, I think you're just more trouble than you're worth. Sure, without you we wouldn't be able to enter buildings (or we'd just have a huge gap in the wall of every building, that could never be closed), but are all the awkward moments, broken noses, and ruined reputations worth it?
Love,
Kenz
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
The wheel breaks the butterfly.
Dear Sleep,
You're beautiful. Has anyone ever told you that? Seriously, I long for you more and more each day, and without you my body grows weary. Why, you ask, have I been cheating on you with caffeine? Well, it's basically the same reason most guys cheat on their girlfriends: I'm not getting any, and caffeine's easier. Regardless, I know you're better for me in the long run, so just hang in there baby. I'll come back to you someday.
Love,
Kenz
You're beautiful. Has anyone ever told you that? Seriously, I long for you more and more each day, and without you my body grows weary. Why, you ask, have I been cheating on you with caffeine? Well, it's basically the same reason most guys cheat on their girlfriends: I'm not getting any, and caffeine's easier. Regardless, I know you're better for me in the long run, so just hang in there baby. I'll come back to you someday.
Love,
Kenz
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