My blues are gone forever.

Dear Professor,

How exactly am I supposed to write a 1-2 page reflection on an article that isn't even 2 pages long? This does not compute. You've been driving me crazy in general lately, but this assignment is like the crazy icing on the crazy cake.

Come to think of it, that hypothetical cake might not taste too bad...

Regardless, please get your shit together (I said please!).

Love,
Kenz

Our hell ends every weekend.

Dear Doors,

I'm getting a little frustrated with the social norms associated with you. Sure, if I'm walking at a moderate pace, and there's someone within a reasonable distance behind me when I open a door, I have no problem holding the door open for them. However, if I'm clearly in a hurry (which is 75% of the time at school) and the person behind me is at a questionable distance (meaning that if I let the door close, it wouldn't slam in their face), then unless they're physically incapable of opening the door (i.e. they're a small child, physically impaired, or carrying something), I don't see why I have to risk being late to whatever obligation I happen to be running to, just to open a freaking door for them.

Honestly, when I'm really racing the clock, I'll usually just blow through a door without looking back to see if anyone's behind me. Whenever this happens, I feel the need to make it crystal clear that I'm in a hurry and simply do not have time to hold the door open for anyone, so that people won't think I'm just being a jerk. Why do I care what random people that I will probably never see again think of me (especially if they're really only seeing the back of my head)? You know, that's a really good question...but I think I'll leave that for another blog.

In conclusion, Doors, I think you're just more trouble than you're worth. Sure, without you we wouldn't be able to enter buildings (or we'd just have a huge gap in the wall of every building, that could never be closed), but are all the awkward moments, broken noses, and ruined reputations worth it?

Love,
Kenz

The wheel breaks the butterfly.

Dear Sleep,

You're beautiful. Has anyone ever told you that? Seriously, I long for you more and more each day, and without you my body grows weary. Why, you ask, have I been cheating on you with caffeine? Well, it's basically the same reason most guys cheat on their girlfriends: I'm not getting any, and caffeine's easier. Regardless, I know you're better for me in the long run, so just hang in there baby. I'll come back to you someday.

Love,
Kenz

Secret's out that I just might care about you.

Dear Pleather Jacket,

Thank you for being you. Seriously, wearing you makes everything better. When I awoke this morning, I had a feeling it would be a bad day; then I put you on, and I had a badass day instead. True story. It's like I'm telling the world, "I'm a rebel, because I care about animals".

Love,
Kenz

I won't let you close enough to hurt me.

Dear American Education System,

Has anyone ever told you that the term "learning disability" is extremely derogatory? Basically, you're telling people that they're unable to learn if they don't fit the mold you've created. Has it ever crossed your mind that perhaps some people just learn differently? I was diagnosed with a "learning disability" in grade school, but I am in no way unable to learn; I just do better when I'm more physically and emotionally engaged in the classroom, instead of just sitting through a ninety minute lecture and trying to memorize millions of facts, dates, and equations that mean nothing to me. And I know I'm not alone: according to the National Institute of Literacy, 30-50% of the U.S. population has undiagnosed learning disabilities. Maybe you need to adjust your standards, or at least give this particular exceptionality a more PC name. How about "learning difference"? Or hey, how about "human"?

Love,
Kenz

P.S. I'm aware that the American Education System isn't perfect, but I refuse to use that as an excuse not to go into the field of education. I just can't walk away from an institution that clearly needs compassionate, driven, and hard-working people to better serve the needs of its students. You can bet that when I'm a teacher, I won't be diagnosing any of my students with "learning disabilities".

P.P.S. On a completely unrelated note, I now have a Facebook fan page. Y'all should chiggity check it out. Just do a search for "Love, Kenz" and it'll pop up.

Darn that one track mind of mine.

Dear Birds (again...I've got another bone to pick with y'all),

My car's windshield is not a toilet seat. Stop crapping on it. Seriously, this has happened four times in the past two months-once WHILE I was driving, which forced me to turn the windshield wipers on high while frantically spraying water, on a perfectly cloudless day. I'm sure anyone who saw this immediately assumed I was crazy, but it's YOU, birds, who are the crazy ones! Someone needs to toilet train you.

Love,
Kenz

I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser.

Dear Helicopter Parents,

I've had it up to HERE (pretend I'm holding my arm up as high as I can reach) with your petty questions and snotty comments about how nasty the apartments are and/or how stupid we apartment RAs are. I've seen some pretty nasty apartments in my days, and comparatively speaking, these ones are really not that bad. More importantly, your child is in college (and most likely an upperclassman if they're living in the apartments); let them take care of themselves, ask their own questions, and fight their own battles. We're doing more work than you can imagine to make sure that your little angel has a fun and safe place to live, and we don't appreciate being snapped at for things that are beyond our control. We didn't build these apartments.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. I realize that the helicopter parents will be even worse once I start teaching. I also realize that when I have kids, I will definitely be a helicopter parent myself. However, that's only because my children legitimately will be the most important children ever. Duh.