Sock it to me.

Dear Self-Respect,

You're pretty great and stuff, but I feel like some people just don't get you. Merriam-Webster defines you as "proper respect for yourself as a human being", which would lead one to believe that you are concerned solely with the individual person...in other words, my self-respect is about my opinion of me, not someone else's opinion of me. Same goes for anyone else who has you (and goodness knows, everyone should!)

That being said, I don't understand why so many people feel the need to question others' self-respect. One of the most common instances I can cite is that of a woman criticizing another woman's choice of clothing, actions, etc. by saying that this woman "must have no self-respect". Am I the only one who finds this kind of silly? Clearly the first woman in this scenario has little or no respect for the woman that she is condemning, but what exactly led her to assume that this other woman (who the first woman probably doesn't even know very well, if at all) must lack the proper respect of herself as a human being?

Simply put, a person's self-respect is relative to how that person feels about themselves; it has nothing to do with how outsiders judge them based on the way they dress, act, speak, or dance (yes, I'm talking to you, Jae Tracie!). 

You keep doing you, Self-Respect, and I'll always respect you for it!

Love, 
Kenz

In this jungle you can't run.

Dear Bruno Mars (part deux...check out part un here),

Yeah, I've got another bone to pick with you. What genius told you that women like being compared to gorillas? Probably the same genius who told you to impress the ladies by catching grenades for them.

Clearly you didn't read my last post, although it does kinda seem like you're taking your ladying tips from women's magazines. Women have body issues, okay? Likening a woman to a large, hairy, smelly animal (no offense, gorillas) will NOT make her feel sexy.

Love,
Kenz

So Cosmo says you're fat? Well I ain't down with that!

Dear Women's Magazines,

Yeah, I read you sometimes. Usually, it's when I'm waiting in the doctor's office and I don't have my phone, or anything else to keep me occupied, with me. I've observed a wide variety of ludicrous headlines on your covers over the years, but one thing never seems to change: without a doubt, every women's magazine has at least one headlining article about weight loss.

"Shape-Up Shortcuts: 14 Tricks to Melt Fat"
"Shrink Your Inner Thighs in Six Minutes a Day!"
"Kate Middleton's Post-Baby Weight Loss Regime...Your Exclusive Duchess Diet and Shape-up Plan"

...this may be way too obvious to point out, but if each of these diet and exercise regimes were as effective as they claim to be, why would the reader need a new one every month?

Anywhoozle, my main quibble with this marketing practice is your reaffirmation of a woman's constant need to be striving for a slimmer, smaller, fitter figure. Every day, women across the nation are told by the media that they should never be satisfied with what they see in the mirror. After all, if a women were ever to (gasp) accept and love her body for what it is, how would you ever sell any magazines?

Here's the thing: as a woman in her early twenties, I am fully aware that I am not a twig. I am also fully aware that even an endless amount of the workouts that you publish monthly will probably never turn me into a twig. But despite all of this, I really like my body. Please stop telling me that I shouldn't; that's really not cool of you.

Love,
Kenz

For love is strong as death.

Dear Mr. Horyn,

I don't even know where to begin. It's been a while since we've talked in person, and I regret that so much now. I know I'm not the only one of your former students who wishes I could have just one more class with you.

Confession time: my senior year, I signed up for Creative Writing because I figured it was an easy, joke of a class (although I was elated when I found out that you were teaching it, because I had heard so many wonderful things about you!); while that class with you was anything but a "joke", you had us all roaring with carefree, comfortable laughter every session. You just had a way of bringing out the best in your students, especially when it came to writing. I remember rediscovering my love of writing in that class, after spending years stuck in a five-paragraph-claim-evidence-warrant rut. You made me believe that I was a good writer, and as cliche as it sounds, it's nice to feel like you're good at something that you enjoy doing. I also loved your messages of "rebellion", and while I never took GAW, I absolutely loved participating in many of my friends rebellion projects. Seriously, that project is exactly what my generation needed.

I remember at the end of the semester, when I was getting ready to graduate, you encouraged me to continue writing creatively after high school. Well, my desire to write outside of classwork is what eventually led to this blog, so I have you to thank for all of this.

Why someone as spirited and full of life as you should die at such a young age is beyond us all, but I hope it brings you joy to look down and see all of the lives you've changed for the better. So for you, Mr. Horyn, and for so many others who have lost their lives due to this ugly disease, I promise to fight for the extinction of cancer, and to never, not even for a second, conform.

Love,
Kenz

Couldn't be more opposite; I'm hard to please, and you're hard to get.

Dear Parents of Nine-Year-Old Girls,

I know that clothes shopping with your daughter at this age must not be easy, but trust me, there are plenty of tasteful, reasonably priced, age-appropriate clothing stores that you can take your daughter to; Victoria's Secret should NOT be on that list. I am tired of seeing girls this young wearing t-shirts, sweats, yoga pants, etc. from this store.

Those of us who are familiar with VS know that t-shirts, sweats, and yoga pants are NOT their best selling items. If this statement confuses you, try looking up their website. Notice how their header says "Victoria's Secret: Lingerie and Women's Clothing". Notice how "Women's Clothing" is the second thing listed (and how it says "Women's Clothing", NOT "Prepubescent Girls' Clothing").

To put it plainly, Victoria's Secret sells sex appeal; is that really what you want to be buying for your nine-year-old? Personally, seeing junior high-aged girls sporting VS outerwear makes me cringe. When I was twenty, my aunt gave me a VS gift card for Christmas, and my father nearly choked. Sure, this made me roll my eyes a little, but in hindsight I am thankful that my parents weren't dressing me up in Victoria's Secret at that age.

Love,
Kenz

That's why we only work when we need the money.

Dear Towing Company in downtown Chicago (I'll be nice and keep you anonymous),

I hope you're pleased with yourselves. I was parked in your poorly marked private lot for, at the most, twenty minutes when you decided "Hey, idea: let's steal this chick's car, make her navigate downtown Chicago on foot by herself, and then make her pay $200 to get it back! That sounds reasonable!" My intent was to save money by avoiding meter parking, as I was merely stopping by to drop off some donations at a local homeless shelter. Yeah, you just charged a freaking PHILANTHROPIST! Seriously, how do you all sleep at night, knowing that your job is based on ransom?

Love,
Kenz

Now and again we try to just stay alive.

Dear freshmen,

To those of you who keep complaining about how busy your school year has been, or how hard your finals are, don't worry. It only gets worse from here. I'm sorry I don't have anything funnier or more insightful to say, but I just wanted to inform you all, you know, in case you were worried about things getting too easy.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. best of luck on finals!