You can call it another lonely day.

Dear Fellow Oreoholics,

Take heed: Nabisco has come out with a new variety known as the "Triple Double Oreo" (okay, so it's probably not all that new, but I only recently became aware of it, so there). They look something like this:


Yes, they may appear to be the bomb diggity and the perfect snack to overindulge in when you've had a rough day at work, but trust me: they're not that great. I mean, they're not horrible, and I still totally plan on finishing off the package I bought yesterday, but they're not nearly as awesome as they sound. They're too much cookie and not enough cream.

In hindsight, I should have gone for Double Stuf. Always go for Double Stuf. Double Stuf means it's double tough not to eat them all. Also, if you should happen to run into a package of Mega Stuf, GO FOR IT! Those ones actually are as awesome as they sound.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. The serving size listed on the back of that package says one cookie. Yeah right.

Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart.

Dear Male Population,

There's actually a lot of things that I could say to you, but right now let's focus on the fact that I'm getting pretty tired of hearing many of you (mostly those who are attracted to women) say that women don't need to wear makeup, because you prefer the "natural look". I would like to believe that those of you who say this, or something similar, have the best of intentions: you want women to feel good about themselves. However, by saying that women shouldn't wear makeup because you prefer their faces commando,  you are assuming that women choose to wear makeup solely to look appealing in your eyes. Heck, one could even say that a phrase such as this one implies that women make all of their decisions solely to appeal to the desires of your population, but we'll stick with the makeup thing for now.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, certain women wear certain amounts of makeup because they actually like the way that it makes them look? That's right, you heard me (or read me) correctly: sometimes women do things because they want to, and they don't need to be makeup-shamed for it.

I know you're not exactly my main demographic, but maybe the few of you males who read this blog could spread the word? Guys talk about this kind of stuff, right? Riiiiiight?

Love,
Kenz

Let's not make this harder than it has to be.

Dear Calories,

My high school health teacher told me that you're just another word for "energy", which we obviously need. Still, I have to question your significance in the health world sometimes. What I mean is, I feel like some people obsess over you when you're just, like, not that important, you know?

I'm not exactly a "health nut", but I did recently download an app to my iPhone called "My Fitness Pal", which basically calculates how many of you I consume and burn in a day (based on my food and exercise choices) and projects my potential weight loss (or gain, I suppose). According to today's entry, I could lose eight pounds in five weeks by eating a diet that included beer, pizza, and homemade cookies (and over an hour of Zumba toning, but still...).

Could I actually lose weight by sticking to this strict pizza-beer-cookie diet? Eh, maybe, provided I had time to work out for over an hour every day. Would I be taking significant steps towards improving my overall health? I wish, but I sort of doubt it.

I'm just saying, you're not as important as you think you are. Get over yourselves.

Love,
Kenz

I'll take your side; if I'm the only one, I'm used to that.

Dear Loyal Blog-readers,

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting as frequently as I had planned on in the new year. To be honest, I haven't been in a very comical mood as of lately...but that's not your fault, beautiful fans.

You've probably heard this often misattributed quote: "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle". I was reminded of this a few days ago, when one of my students walked into class looking a bit down. "Everything okay, (student's name)?" I said, to which she replied "I'm just not in a very good mood today...". At first I thought "oh please, your little seventh-grader problems ain't got nothing on my quarter-life crisis!" but then I reminded myself that I have absolutely no right to judge this girl, since I don't know her battles.

If you're reading this, chances are you're fighting your own battle. I truly wish there was something I could do to make your battle easier, but I will tell you this: whatever your battle may be, both time and love will make it easier. Be strong, but let yourself be sad when you need to be. Remind yourself that this too shall pass. Don't be afraid to reach out to those around you; regardless of how petty you think your battle is, know that there are people who love you and who will be there for you, whatever that entails. And hey, if you're one of my loyal blog-readers, that includes me. No foolin'.

Love,
Kenz

The girls with the bodies like boys with ferraris.

Dear Double Standards,

You're stupid and outdated. That's all I have to say to you. You can go away now. No, really.

Love,
Kenz

Sock it to me.

Dear Self-Respect,

You're pretty great and stuff, but I feel like some people just don't get you. Merriam-Webster defines you as "proper respect for yourself as a human being", which would lead one to believe that you are concerned solely with the individual person...in other words, my self-respect is about my opinion of me, not someone else's opinion of me. Same goes for anyone else who has you (and goodness knows, everyone should!)

That being said, I don't understand why so many people feel the need to question others' self-respect. One of the most common instances I can cite is that of a woman criticizing another woman's choice of clothing, actions, etc. by saying that this woman "must have no self-respect". Am I the only one who finds this kind of silly? Clearly the first woman in this scenario has little or no respect for the woman that she is condemning, but what exactly led her to assume that this other woman (who the first woman probably doesn't even know very well, if at all) must lack the proper respect of herself as a human being?

Simply put, a person's self-respect is relative to how that person feels about themselves; it has nothing to do with how outsiders judge them based on the way they dress, act, speak, or dance (yes, I'm talking to you, Jae Tracie!). 

You keep doing you, Self-Respect, and I'll always respect you for it!

Love, 
Kenz

In this jungle you can't run.

Dear Bruno Mars (part deux...check out part un here),

Yeah, I've got another bone to pick with you. What genius told you that women like being compared to gorillas? Probably the same genius who told you to impress the ladies by catching grenades for them.

Clearly you didn't read my last post, although it does kinda seem like you're taking your ladying tips from women's magazines. Women have body issues, okay? Likening a woman to a large, hairy, smelly animal (no offense, gorillas) will NOT make her feel sexy.

Love,
Kenz