So Cosmo says you're fat? Well I ain't down with that!

Dear Women's Magazines,

Yeah, I read you sometimes. Usually, it's when I'm waiting in the doctor's office and I don't have my phone, or anything else to keep me occupied, with me. I've observed a wide variety of ludicrous headlines on your covers over the years, but one thing never seems to change: without a doubt, every women's magazine has at least one headlining article about weight loss.

"Shape-Up Shortcuts: 14 Tricks to Melt Fat"
"Shrink Your Inner Thighs in Six Minutes a Day!"
"Kate Middleton's Post-Baby Weight Loss Regime...Your Exclusive Duchess Diet and Shape-up Plan"

...this may be way too obvious to point out, but if each of these diet and exercise regimes were as effective as they claim to be, why would the reader need a new one every month?

Anywhoozle, my main quibble with this marketing practice is your reaffirmation of a woman's constant need to be striving for a slimmer, smaller, fitter figure. Every day, women across the nation are told by the media that they should never be satisfied with what they see in the mirror. After all, if a women were ever to (gasp) accept and love her body for what it is, how would you ever sell any magazines?

Here's the thing: as a woman in her early twenties, I am fully aware that I am not a twig. I am also fully aware that even an endless amount of the workouts that you publish monthly will probably never turn me into a twig. But despite all of this, I really like my body. Please stop telling me that I shouldn't; that's really not cool of you.

Love,
Kenz

For love is strong as death.

Dear Mr. Horyn,

I don't even know where to begin. It's been a while since we've talked in person, and I regret that so much now. I know I'm not the only one of your former students who wishes I could have just one more class with you.

Confession time: my senior year, I signed up for Creative Writing because I figured it was an easy, joke of a class (although I was elated when I found out that you were teaching it, because I had heard so many wonderful things about you!); while that class with you was anything but a "joke", you had us all roaring with carefree, comfortable laughter every session. You just had a way of bringing out the best in your students, especially when it came to writing. I remember rediscovering my love of writing in that class, after spending years stuck in a five-paragraph-claim-evidence-warrant rut. You made me believe that I was a good writer, and as cliche as it sounds, it's nice to feel like you're good at something that you enjoy doing. I also loved your messages of "rebellion", and while I never took GAW, I absolutely loved participating in many of my friends rebellion projects. Seriously, that project is exactly what my generation needed.

I remember at the end of the semester, when I was getting ready to graduate, you encouraged me to continue writing creatively after high school. Well, my desire to write outside of classwork is what eventually led to this blog, so I have you to thank for all of this.

Why someone as spirited and full of life as you should die at such a young age is beyond us all, but I hope it brings you joy to look down and see all of the lives you've changed for the better. So for you, Mr. Horyn, and for so many others who have lost their lives due to this ugly disease, I promise to fight for the extinction of cancer, and to never, not even for a second, conform.

Love,
Kenz

Couldn't be more opposite; I'm hard to please, and you're hard to get.

Dear Parents of Nine-Year-Old Girls,

I know that clothes shopping with your daughter at this age must not be easy, but trust me, there are plenty of tasteful, reasonably priced, age-appropriate clothing stores that you can take your daughter to; Victoria's Secret should NOT be on that list. I am tired of seeing girls this young wearing t-shirts, sweats, yoga pants, etc. from this store.

Those of us who are familiar with VS know that t-shirts, sweats, and yoga pants are NOT their best selling items. If this statement confuses you, try looking up their website. Notice how their header says "Victoria's Secret: Lingerie and Women's Clothing". Notice how "Women's Clothing" is the second thing listed (and how it says "Women's Clothing", NOT "Prepubescent Girls' Clothing").

To put it plainly, Victoria's Secret sells sex appeal; is that really what you want to be buying for your nine-year-old? Personally, seeing junior high-aged girls sporting VS outerwear makes me cringe. When I was twenty, my aunt gave me a VS gift card for Christmas, and my father nearly choked. Sure, this made me roll my eyes a little, but in hindsight I am thankful that my parents weren't dressing me up in Victoria's Secret at that age.

Love,
Kenz

That's why we only work when we need the money.

Dear Towing Company in downtown Chicago (I'll be nice and keep you anonymous),

I hope you're pleased with yourselves. I was parked in your poorly marked private lot for, at the most, twenty minutes when you decided "Hey, idea: let's steal this chick's car, make her navigate downtown Chicago on foot by herself, and then make her pay $200 to get it back! That sounds reasonable!" My intent was to save money by avoiding meter parking, as I was merely stopping by to drop off some donations at a local homeless shelter. Yeah, you just charged a freaking PHILANTHROPIST! Seriously, how do you all sleep at night, knowing that your job is based on ransom?

Love,
Kenz

Now and again we try to just stay alive.

Dear freshmen,

To those of you who keep complaining about how busy your school year has been, or how hard your finals are, don't worry. It only gets worse from here. I'm sorry I don't have anything funnier or more insightful to say, but I just wanted to inform you all, you know, in case you were worried about things getting too easy.

Love,
Kenz

P.S. best of luck on finals!

The way you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell.

Dear One Direction,

Man, you guys really know how to spit the truth. Low self-esteem? SUPER sexy. That explains why I've been single for so long...all this time, I thought confidence and a strong sense of self-worth was the way to go, but clearly I've been doing it wrong. I bet if I start hating myself, the guys will be lining up across the street to holler at this.

And here I thought Beyonce's song was bad for the gender equality movement...

In other words, you might want to go in another direction next time.

Love,
Kenz

I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike.

Dear Beyonce,

There has been a ridiculous amount of engagement rings appearing on the fingers of my peers, friend's friends, Facebook friends, etc. lately. I blame you. Seriously, my generation was totally cool with taking things slow, until your little one-chord wonder "Single Ladies" topped the charts. Suddenly, guys all think that if they like a girl (they don't even have to love her, just LIKE her) then they SHOULD put a ring on it (and that they should refer to their girlfriend as "it", which is extremely derogatory and a step in the totally wrong direction for the gender equality movement). I have a good amount of respect for you as a person and as a performer, but you really need to think about the message behind your lyrics (no matter how sick the beat is). In conclusion, next time you run into your ex at a club after you just broke up, and he sees you all up on another brother, just don't pay him any attention!

Love,
Kenz

P.S. Gentlemen, in all seriousness, don't make a huge life decision based on what you heard in a song with one chord, no matter how many non-consecutive weeks that song spent as the number-one single. You've got time, rings are expensive, and the right girl will wait (says the single lady).

P.P.S. Everyone, in all seriousness...please don't take this post too seriously! I'm not trying to hate on engaged people, or criticize anyone's choices. If you're happily engaged or married, good for you! I wish you all the best.